When I was a relatively new nurse, an older nurse I worked with, and almost everyone seemed older at 23, handed out a list of 12 items entitled Your Basic Rights. I had never thought of many of them as being something I had the right to at that time. But I carried that paper with me through many moves and life changes. Every time I looked at the list, a different one would stand out for me. I'd like to think that now each one feels familiar and true. But I know that I, like many of you, still have growing to do in this regard.

 The one I picked to talk about today is, I think, the foundation of the recognition and understanding of one's personal field of experience. You Have the Right to Say No AND not feel guilty. You may even have a responsibility to yourself and your life to have this principle be a foundation of your life experience.

 Why is it important to get good at saying "No" and meaning it? Let's explore this.

 Many of us were raised with the statement that children are to be seen and not heard. This says so much, children have limited value and their needs should be kept quiet. If we were smart, we became yes men in order to get the support and attention of the adults who literally had our lives in their hands, even if we did this without thinking about it, without consciously making decisions to do so. And let us remember that our parents and caregivers were probably raised under much the same patterns as they raised us. They also were not conscious of many of the choices they were making, doing what was automatic and familiar to them, perhaps not even thinking that they had choices. "That's just the way things are. This is how things are done."

 For me, I remember a kind of coming awake as a young adult and realizing that I did not even know my own likes and dislikes, not a favorite color, not what attracted me to other people, not what I wanted or who I wanted to be. It was much easier to say yes and go along, even if part of me was saying No. That No part was so quiet and unused that it was, for the most part, much easier to over-ride than the stronger wishes, opinions or needs of the other. After all, if they felt strongly about something, it must be important and who was I to get in their way. Or, even worse, I might hurt them. It would be selfish.

Oh Brother! 

 So here we are in adulthood, getting to be seen and heard. And still saying No can be very uncomfortable. The first part of this, for me, is getting to know your true responses, what no, and yes, feel like in your body. If you don’t know what your "no" feels like, how can you be confident that you have the right to say it. Our wonderful bodies are always saying yes or no to us, answering even the small questions about what is right for us, and what is not. But it is part of that "still, small voice". This voice is not going to shout to get our attention. So how do we learn to listen to this information.

 It takes practice, for sure, but this is one of the healing lessons that can be learned through Rubenfeld Synergy. It may be different for each person, this internal information about yes and no. When we can clearly experience our "yes" and "no" deep within our body  in a safe and supported environment, where we are openly seen and carefully heard, we can get familiar with our own internal messages. When the body is listened to in this respectful way, from both within, by ourselves, and without, from the Synergist witness,(in this case me) something amazing happens. We gain a deep and abiding knowing that our no's and our yes's are important, Yes- Important, and worth acting on. 

 Many good and kind people have the fear that if they say no they are being selfish, or that they will become unlikable, especially to themselves. But the reality is that when we get clear about our yes's and no's and begin to express them to others, they do more door opening than closing, for ourselves and for others as well. And if our authentic responses close doors, then the doors they close are worth walking away from anyway.

 Those who care about us want us to be happy and fully realized. They may not always react in ideal ways to our honest self expression, at least at first. But they will hang in there with us. After all, if the situation were reversed, and we knew that they were going along when they really didn't want to, and at some level it was eating them up inside, we would want to know their truth. Honest no's are necessary to make honest yes's. And we are important enough to honor each, and live more and more with what is good for us, and move away from what is not.  

 So maybe the next challenge is saying "Yes" and not feeling guilty? Or how about not feeling guilty at all! I like that one.

If this feels like an area that you could use help with, please call me to schedule a free consultation to discuss it. Speaking your truth can be easy, loving and self supporting. You deserve to feel good about your self. RSM can help.

For a full list of all 12 Basic Rights, please email me :Kelly@healingconnections.info, and I will be happy to share it with you. I will also be exploring these Basic Rights in subsequent newsletters. So, if you aren't signed up, please do.